


Curst VicFic: So much for a hug, compadre!

by vics-spicy-jalapenis (donprisciotte)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Awkward Sex, Background Agent Florida/Agent Wyoming (Red vs. Blue), Cursed, Florida is the best part (as always), M/M, Squick, Stylistic Suck, Voyeurism, authority kink, inappropriate food comparisons, it starts from 'I need a hug' and goes straight to tentacle porn, questionable, spanglish, starring: the directuh's thicc accent, you're gonna wish it was out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 11:06:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14933048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donprisciotte/pseuds/vics-spicy-jalapenis
Summary: A parody RvB porn fic inspired by the inimitable crunchfics. With this, I open my series of porn fics narrated by our very own compadre, our dudarino Vic! Today's ship: Counselor/Director/Alien Engineer/Florida(/Wyoming)!The counselor is working on Vic, the AI program for Agent Florida. A drunk Director walks in, craving affection...Spoiler: cursed.





	Curst VicFic: So much for a hug, compadre!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ecstasasaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecstasasaur/gifts), [terminis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terminis/gifts), [BloodBagguettesBlood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodBagguettesBlood/gifts), [ednoppoz (zopponde)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zopponde/gifts).



> This was written long before the Henrietta fic happened, and it was my first time writing the Director's accent and I apologize in advance for making it sound reasonable instead of the keysmash king he truly is. THAT is what *I* find unsettling about this.

Ssssooo, remember how I’ve been telling you the origin story of our favourite Red and Blue compadres? Well, y'know of that bit about that Agent Florida dude? Or Captain Butch Flowers, whatever you wanna call him. What if I told you that there is MORE…About MY backstory? 5-5-5, V-I-C-K!

 

* season 14 opening theme music *

 

The first seconds of my life were, like, pretty weird, dude. I remember waking up from my pre-birth siesta inside the screen of a computer of this diddly dude, the counselor dude, saying stuff, asking me questions, the usual, dude.  
  
“Your name is Vic, you are the Virtual Intelligent Computer. You were born at 5.05. Your duty is to assist Agent Florida.”

 

Dude went on like this for a while, but he was kinda chill about it, so I spoke my first words. A muy touching moment.  
  
“5-5-5… V-I-C-K”

 

“Very well. Now, we shall–”

 

Something interrupted the dude. It was another dude, the Director dude.  He was, like, taller and seemed more powerful than the other dude, but he wasn’t as clean and even as a computer I could tell he smelled mucho like belly button lint mixed with guacamole and then left under the sun. Not really cool, dude.

  
“Counselor…”  
  
“Oh, Director, I was just working on the final details of the computer program for Agent Florida. It should be completely sentient by now, sir, and–” “Shhh.”

 

The Director dude shushed him putting his index on his mouth. Judging by the expression of the other amigo dude, finger had been places. I don’t wanna know about that, dude, but I can imagine. Computer God knows where I’d stick my fingerinos if I had any. Muy caliente, dude.  
  
“D-Director?”  
  
“Ah need uh hhhuuug, Counselor.”  
  
“Oh.”

 

And that, dudes and dudettes, was the moment when I saw the most, like, aw-kwardo hug ever. But hey, Director was getting into it. Hands on butt. Gave it a little pinch. Picante, dude.

 

“Um…Pardon my question, but…Have you been drinking, Director?”

 

“Ya thank one has to be druhnk fo’ wantin’ to ffuhck tha shiet out of you on tha Sahcawphaguhs?”

 

“Of course not.” dudarino replied like immediately. Didn’t expect that, dude. Fucks me up everytime I think about it, dude.  Prolly had been waiting for that question for mucho mucho tiempo. Director dude knows how to choose his personnel. Wink wink! “…But, have you?”

 

“No.” he, like, moaned “Ah got drunk like three weeks aygo and di'n’t showah yet. Ah’m sobah. And you will suhck my dyek if ah say so.”

 

“Of course, Director.”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“That was nawt uh figa awf speech, Counselor.”

 

“In that case, I would not advise that.”

 

“Ah don’t gyeve a fuhck ‘bout yo advice 'cause I ovahrule you.”

 

“…Director.”

 

“I OVAHRULE YOU!”

 

Dude screamed ripping his clothes like the incredible Hulk and woah, dude, that muchacho had got like, a raging boner dude, it’s like his Senor El Diquito went Super Saiyan. Hair was even lighter in there. Just sayin’.

 

“AH AM READY TO ASSEUHRT DIRECTUH FREELANCER DAWMINANCE”

 

His glasses shone with some mucho scary weaboo light and he threw them away.  Then he stopped for a second, thought he’d chilled out, but metaphorically speaking that dudarino was asking his own boner to point the direction to find the other dude.

 

“Counselor, help me out, Ah can’t see a dayum thang without 'em. Ah’m blind now. ”

 

“Before that, Director…Did you know that blind people often have to rely on other senses to compensate their inability to see? Other senses…Such as touch?”

 

“Ah’m pretty shure that everybody kno-OH.”

 

Not even time to finish that the Counselor dude had stepped closer and put his handitas on his hips. Compadre was sure a smart son of a puta, dude. Arms wrapped around the shoulders of the Director dude. Senor El Diquito must’ve changed his mind.  Again, wink wink.

 

“I will comply to every order, Director.”  he whispered planting a hot caliente kissito on the Director dude’s neck. That was apparently too mucho for the Director dude, like, he grabbed that muchacho and yote him on the sarcophagus with a violence I’ve never seen again since that damn diddly day dude. Counselor seemed coolio with it, though, let the dudarino climb and undress him, whatever floats your boat, dude.

 

“Who ovahrules you?”

 

“You, Director.”

 

“…”

 

“…Director?”

 

Next thing I saw, Director dude was in tears. No valid reason, el Diquito still in Saiyan mode tho. Still… Way to ruin the moment, dude.

 

“Mah late wife Allison. She’d'vn’t'whomst nevah EVAH allowed me to do such a thang.”

 

“Would you like me to dominate you, then, Director? I am versatile, with the skill to…Satisfy all your needs. ”

 

“Eh…Ain’t tha same thang…”

 

Counselor dude sat up to say like something about it, but dude just sniffled and pinned him down on the sarcophagus again and wiggled his winky blinky the one eyed soldier between his buttchiquitas to lube it up with the dick queso. Not really effective, dude.

 

“Director…” dude tried to ignore the jalapenis and stay serious “Do you want me to do it?”

 

“AH SAID AH OVAHRULE YOU!”

 

Dude kept crying and wiggling when suddenly the liderino of the sarcophagus slipped a little and the engineer alien muchacho inside crawled on its tentacocks out of the sarcophagus straight into the director’s asshole. Not that there was anything straight with that, dude. Director dude let out a scream so loud his whole body backflipped and his Counselor compadre knew what he had to do at that point: bit off one of the tentacocks and while the engineer dudarino was screeching and dropping its own alien chili-like blood  he held the director by the cabeza and moaned.

 

“I’m going in raw. Would you be so kind to bite the pillow, Director?”

 

“What pillow uh you tawkin about?”

 

Turns out the pillow was the alien engineer dudeself, its alien REEEEE squealing and the muffled screams of the Director dude were so loud I had my first glitch. Not really cool, dude. Next thing I saw, one of the tentacocks was in the Counselor dude’s mouth and the chopped off tentacock regrew twitching so hard it knocked off the door, crushing Agent Pornstachio who was behind it blowing Agent Florida who had been watching the whole shitshow.

 

“Whoops. Well if this isn’t embarrassing I, uh…I can explain. Long story short, I came here for my AI and–”

 

“There is no time for explanations, Agent Florida! Please just do what you must!” moaned the counselor dude almost sounding human for the first and last time. One of the scariest parts, dude. Had me sow my own computer beans in my pants, if you know what I mean.

 

“On it, sir!”

 

Floridudarino grinned so enthusiastically that he ripped off his armour, manifested some lube out of thin air like he would always do – we don’t talk about Agent Florida…That dude had issues in the cabeza. Even more than his compadres. - to prep himself and literally jumped on it, started riding that alien tentacock like it was no problemo and his buttchiquitas vibrated like hot caliente jelly, muy delicioso dude. Held the Director dude’s head down to make him bite deeper into the alien burrito and like reassured him.

 

“Worry not, Mister Director, this is not my first Rodeo!”

 

“MMMMPHHHHH!”

 

“Now, there there, no need to get bent out of shape. You know what they say, no pain, no gain. Am I right, fellas?”

 

The Alien compadre responded with a screech so loud the screen from where I was watching cracked like the saggy skin of an old dudette who used to be a drug addict puta as a muchacha.

 

“Mmmm. So far, so good. Hang in there. Pleased as punch to be here, Director.”

 

“HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

“Ooh, I’m afraid I missed the boat, because the cummies are arriving at any moment, aren’t they?”

 

“WAAARHHHHGGGGHHHHH!”

 

Director dude just screamed his orgasm to the universe like he was spitting hot fuego fire after having eaten the spiciest jalapeno in the galaxy. Probably he did. Don’t know what alien diquito would taste like. Not my cup of nacho sauce, dude.

 

“Speak of the devil…” Floridude chuckled “I will have to cut you some slack for coming so soon, these new alien dicks are really the bees’ knees, I’ll tell ya.”

 

The Alien did a squawkerino under him and he later looked up at the Counselor dude who had stopped thrusting and was using his tonguita to clean the sour cream off the Director’s sore burrito of what remained of his butthole.

 

“Did you get off, Counselor?”

 

“I’m fine. I’m just…Doing my job.”

 

“Work and pleasure together. You really got the best of both worlds.”

 

“I see why you can look at it from this perspective. It’s a honour for me to be of assistance.”

 

“You can say that again.” Florida man dude closed his eyes, straddled the alien diquito and came mucho peacefully, killing it instantly. Rest in peace, amigo.  “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

“Oh well.” our favourite blue amigo got up and started putting clothes on again like it was no big diddly dealio, dude “Time for me to hit the road and call it a day. Sleep tight!”

 

The counselor compadre looked at the Director’s burrito looking (and maybe even tasting, dude) butthole that was everything but tight in that momentito and squeezed his eyes close like a tube of ketchup while cumming and spilling more hot caliente sour cream.

 

“Better late than never!”

 

After Florida left, Counselor dude found his Director amigo’s glasses on the floorito and put them back on his face. So much for a hug, compadre!

 

“How are you feeling, Director?”

 

“Ah’m great…But we’re gawnna have to do sumthin’ about that mass o’ dead meat…”

 

“May I suggest a cock ring, sir?”

 

“Ah was tawking about the alien.”

 

“Oh…Of course, sir. ”

 

 

_The end, dude._


End file.
